Getting lost in all the hullaballoo over the democratic nomination, with its always entertaining test of whether you are a racist, a sexist or both, there’s a perfectly scintillating contest going on to see who’s going to take over the reigns of the just-about-to-explode-but-is-still-pretty-evil death star that is the republican party.
Many in politics are saying that this is the year when the boys in red finally wake up with each other only to discover that the promises that were made in the bar at 2 am don’t necessarily ring true in the cold morning light of a centrist nation where putting your socks and creeping out the door may not be as easy as you had hoped.
Politics has been conspiring to make these strange bedfellows ever since Ralph Reed did his unholy dance to get George H. Bush elected in 1988 and even though Ralph had moved on by then, the same formula held true when George II beat the hapless John Kerry in 2004 when almost all of us (except for Karl Rove who is Solomon Grundy – “Karl Rove smash you!”) thought that his fois gras was cooked.
But, while George the II was a perfect combination of big money corporate interests and snake-handling wing nut, there has not arisen another ‘uniter’ to take his party forward and to keep his party in power for another 4 years. This is not to say that the GOP is sunk because no one and I mean NO ONE can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory like the democrats can, but it is looking like the check is now due on issues like abortion, gay marriage and school prayer. And all those votes that ol Solomon Grundy got on that dark Ohio night in 2004 look like they may eventually cost the party this year’s election.
But, since lists are fun, let’s do a quick breakdown of the relevant GOP candidates, including a few words about them and who they would be in the Hall of Doom.
Mitt Romney – Leaving out the bit about the magic rocks in the hat (Wikipedia: Mormons.) Mitt Romney is the Hillary Clinton of the GOP primary race in that he will say anything and adopt any position as long as it gets him into the White House. Boy are those values voters going to be pissed come October when Mitt agrees in a debate that maybe an assault weapons ban is a pretty reasonable idea and if a couple of gay guys want to get married then who is he to stop them. Because he is megalomaniacal and because of the eyebrows, Mitt Romney has to be Gorilla Grodd.
Mike Huckabee – Just plain crazy. What can you say about a guy who went on national tv and not only told denied millions of years of fossil record but then told everyone that it would be great for the economy if everything were 23% more expensive. Wikipedia says that the Riddler “used riddles to taunt and confuse adversaries with while committing crimes.” Well Huck, I am definitely taunted and confused.
Rudy Guiliani – The human drinking game. Joe Biden should have won the presidency just with his line about every sentence that Rudy says “has a noun, a verb and 9-11.” So basically, Rudy, you’re using possibly the worst day in American history to scare everyone so we will vote for you. Rudy(n) is(v) the(a) Scarecrow . . . (wait for it) . . .9-11!
John McCain – Or as I like to call him “my ace in the hole just in case the democrats screw this up.” McCain is a legitimate war hero and one of the few politicians you will ever hear who will own up to a mistake. I once heard him say that his neglecting to call for South Carolina to remove the Confederate Battle Flag from the state house lawn was “an act of cowardice” which he regretted. That is integrity (I’m looking at you Mitt and Hillary). BUT he was utterly kneecapped in 2000 by George Bush’s attack dogs and the fact that he could not only shake hands with George II after that but also stay in the party AND campaign for GW in 2004 is something I will never understand. John McCain is Bizarro.
And finally we have the guy who basically looks exactly like what republican presidents are supposed to look like, Fred Thompson. Apparently Fred thought that this was going to be enough to get him the nomination because frankly I think I have made more campaign speeches than he has and I am not even running. Of course, Fred’s wife is hotter. Anyway, I am not sure if it is the hair or the total state of denial that he keeps getting his ass kicked but Fred gets to be Lex Luthor – he’s rich, he’s bald, and you can tell that he knows even if he loses he can always call the Hall of Doom to take him back to his hot wife and his sweet tv gig.
Its unclear whether or not the Legion can rise out of the swamp one more time to hold us all hostage their death ray, but 2 things are sure:
1. The Hall of Doom is always hovering, waiting to beam up our GOP friends before they can get indicted and
2. somewhere Rudy Guiliani just mentioned 9-11.
